Tuesday, December 24, 2002

First In Place

In August, Scott and his friend Curtis made the trek from Dallas to Cleveland, Ohio for the annual national J-Body car show and races. Curtis, a tried-and-true car buff, built the fastest, craziest Cavalier currently in existence on this continent. He and Scott, virtual equals in their vast knowledge of automotive performance as well as goofiness, have worked together on this car for the past three years. When they race, Scott drives, complete with his professional-caliber racing helmet.

Last year, they came in second place at the J-Body drag races. This year, they were determined to do better. They trailered the car from Dallas to Cleveland (a two-day journey). I hopped a flight and joined them for the weekend.

When I told my coworkers I was going to Cleveland for the weekend, many of them looked at me strangely and asked "WHY ?" One friend described it as the "Armpit of America". It seemed that the only thing of interest to anyone was the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame. Not too enticing for someone who is into electronic music. But we were there to meet friends, socialize, and race cars. Everything else was secondary.

Some of our friends from Toronto made the six-hour drive to the event, as well as our friends from New York. We had a great weekend catching up with old friends and solidifying newer friendships.

And who do you think came in first place in the drag races ? You guessed it. Scott and Curtis. The trophy is proudly displayed at Curtis' house for all to see.

Even without the car show, the trip to Cleveland was worth the splendid evening we spent at an establishment named Dick's Last Resort. This was more than a bar, and much more than a restaurant. It was truly an experience.

We were greeted at the door by an employee wiggling his plumber's crack butt at us. When we told them we had a reservation, he said "I don't care, sit down !" Such is Dick's the place where insults are expected and politeness is shamed.

The menu was excellent, as was the quality of food if you could get past the fact that it was served in buckets. The server simply placed food and drinks on the table and walked away. I yelled after her "Which drink is the diet Coke ?" She yelled back "Multi-straw !" Sure enough, there was one drink with approximately 10 straws stuck in it. Quite obvious.

There were some patrons who were given very tasteful paper hats in the shape of condoms. Each hat had a special saying, such as "I Love Dick". I asked the server where one could obtain one of these special items. She responded by pulling a (real) condom out of her pocket.

What happened next is shocking, and not for the faint of heart. She stretched this rubber prophylactic between her hands, more, and more and moreā€¦ then placed it on her HEAD. That's right, on her head and over her eyes and nose. Even more shocking was what she did next. Hands at the rim, she began blowing out her nose. The condom inflated bigger and bigger until it extended approximately 1.5 feet from the top of her head. She proceeded to walk around the bar for the next 10 minutes like this, with this massive, inflated condom on her head, much to the amusement of the patrons. I have pictures. Email me if you'd like to see them.

[see next post]


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