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Thursday, February 10, 2005

"Give Me Grandchildren"

Every parent, especially those at the tail-end of a toddler temper tantrum or teenaged angst-ridden melodrama, dreams of the day that their children will grow up, leave the nest, get married and have offspring of their own. The parent longs for the time when they can hold their grandchildren, play with them, spoil them, then hand them back when they misbehave or dirty their diapers.

Yes, that is what they all tell us. But I don't believe them. Yea, though I have seen the light ! I now know the real reason why parents beg and plead with their children to give them some grandchildren. I've figured out the truth.

Payback.

Yes, payback. Diabolical revenge for all the times we turned them into screaming, flailing lunatics headed straight for the nuthouse. Payback for all the sleepless nights, first from us crying for food, and then later, carousing with our friends at all hours of the night doing God-knows-what. They want nothing more than the very same insanity for us, so they can sit back and gloat as we are flushed down the slippery slope into offspring-induced hysteria.

"Just wait till you grow up and have kids." We laughed at them then. Just as they laughed at their parents one generation ago.

Revenge is sweet. Oh, so sweet.

It is no surprise that most parents believe that their children "owe" them some grandchildren. Especially after the years of interrupted sleep, yelling matches, slammed doors and premature grey hairs. There must be some way for us to compensate for the two plus decades of unrelenting talkback, loser boyfriends, nutty friends and loud, unintelligible music.

Not surprising was my parents' stunned, disbelieving reaction when I told them I had chosen not to procreate. What ? No kids ? How could I do this to them ? How could I deprive them the opportunity to thoroughly enjoy watching me experience the same torture I inflicted on them as a child ? Inconceivable !

(Any fans of "The Princess Bride" out there ? hehe)

Fear not, dear parents, for you have hope. The time will come for my two younger sisters, possibly sooner rather than later, to fulfill the perceived obligation. Mark my words that you will have your revenge. You will have your day to say "I told you so !" You will have your time to enjoy all the benefits of a bubbly, drooling, cooing lifeform without the associated diaper, referee and vomit patrol duties. Your revenge will still be exacted on us three now-grown, but still cherubic girls who drove you to the brink of insanity and back.

Despair not, for there will be payback. Even on me.

Because my only "offspring" is that of the feline variety, there is plenty of room in my car for you to sit in the back seat and fight. That was always your dream, remember ? The opportunity exists, though 2,600 miles away, to allow this fantasy of high-speed, top-volume backseat brawling to come to fruition. Come. Sit in my car, draw a line across the middle, and unleash the demons of Hell if one of you crosses it with even a fingertip. Go ahead. Don't hold back an ounce of your exuberance. You deserve this, at very least, for putting up with the likes of me.

Just don't be surprised if I turn up the stereo really loudly to drown you out. :)

-------------------------------

Footnote

I must give credit for the inspiration to this piece. This topic of parental demands for grandchildren came up on one of the message boards I frequent. There were two responses that made me laugh out loud here at my cube. They provided the catalyst for the above writing.

MEDUSALFA
The one--and only--time my father said ["Give me Grandchildren"] to me, I handed him my cat and walked away.

JMWARNACK
About five years ago, long before I met [my husband], my mother was talking about me having babies so she would have grandchildren. I told her there wasn't even a man on the horizon. Her reply, "There are ways!" Quite appropriate for a Thanksgiving weekend conversation. STAY AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT TURKEY BASTER!

And of course, credit to ADAMSLD for starting the conversation. :)

3 Comments:

Blogger Julie said...

The.Foxx says.... AMEN SISTER! I'd digging your blog baby - mind if I link your blog to mine so my other friends can enjoy? I finally figured out how to list other blogs on my site :)

Juls

February 10, 2005 at 9:46:00 AM PST  
Blogger Matthew said...

Well its not just enough to watch for the revenge, most parents want to get the kids all hopped up on sugar and candy (which yes I know has sugar, work with me people), and then hand them back to you and say, she is all yours, enjoy!

I applaud you for making a firm decision I caution you that parents can be quite tenacious, so stay firm!!

February 10, 2005 at 11:24:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post is to reference your writings on "Why I Stop". Have you ever considered by stopping at these accident scenes you are placing yourself and others in grave danger. Not to mention the civil liability that you impose on yourself by rendering your "assistance" to victims. First of all, you have no protective equipment; radios, proper medical equipment and a barrage of other things that are needed at an accident scene. I work in the emergency response field and I hate people like you. You deem yourself a good samaritan but really you just get in the way. Most good samaritans like yourself end up being a part of the accident or die while "helping" others at a scene. Bottom line-Let the fire fighters, AMR, and police officers do what they are paid to do and what they are QUALIFIED to do. If you want to help, call 911 but don't put yourself in danger or cause danger to others by putting yourself in the way.

February 27, 2005 at 9:31:00 PM PST  

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